Dear God,
This is the second time I come to you today, this time in writing. I don’t know what to do. There are so many emotions going through me right now. I know they are heightened because of my anxiety, and because of my hormones, but like how do I process and understand them in a way that brings me closer to you.
I currently am at a loss. I want so many things in life, and feel like I cannot touch on any of them. I want to be closer to you. I want my faith to shine through me enough to bring others towards you. I want to be consistent in reading your word, and dedicating time to you God. But with the hustle and bustle of this busy lifestyle I feel like I can’t prioritize you. And I hate it. I hate that my faith isn’t big enough to leave it all in your hands. That there is still doubt, anxiety, and shame in my thoughts and my actions.
My finances just seem to never get better. I work and work and work, and I spend and spend, and just feel like it’s never enough.
I want to be a better mother to my kids, but how do I be that, when I barely have enough time to spend with them. When there is time, I am so overstimulated and burnt out that I don’t even enjoy it, and I’m certain that neither do they.
Some days I don’t even know. Lord, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting always having to be the bigger person. Always wearing my heart on my sleeves. It’s exhausting, forgiving over and over again, only for my heart to continuously get shattered.
How do I be a good wife, while also having my needs met. How do I be a good mom, while also taking care of myself. How do I give it all to you Lord, while doing my part.
I need guidance. I need wisdom. I need that faith, I so much claim to have. I need peace. I need joy. I need YOU God.
I need you to fill my heart. To fill the spaces in my thoughts where there are doubts. The spaces in my mind where there is shame, and guilt, and worry. I need you to fill my days with your Glory. So that the faith I claim, can feel like it’s worth something.
I need reminders of you in my day to day. So that I can be reminded of the woman you created me to be. Because if you are within me, how can I fail? If you are within me, why should I doubt? You died for my shame, and yet here I am.
God, I am on my knees. Pleading. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle the heaviness of my emotions. The burdening thoughts. The weight of my shame, and my doubt. Not in you, but the doubt in me.
Please.