God,
Surrendering is so hard. I have to surrender my finances, my health, my relationships, and what do I do? Just pray? Just continue to bring it to you? I mean not saying it in a distasteful manner. More like… is that really all I do? Or do I actually have to do something while I wait also.
I honestly feel like getting back on medication… is that something you would want? I feel like my brain is blurring things. It’s allowing my flesh and the enemy to win some days.
Or do I surrender that to you too and just pray and wait?
It really is just so exhausting. I want to please you. I want to surrender. I want to give my life to you, but do I really just do nothing? My life is yours, but you want me to take some part in my story, don’t you?
I guess this is a good step huh? I’m bringing this to you, instead of to someone else.
It’s like at what point is it ok to set boundaries? To speak how I feel. I don’t know how to do that without fear of abandonment. I don’t know how to do so without feeling like it’s just going to bring things out that are far worse.
God.
I need you.
I need you to provide me peace. To provide me wisdom. Help me become the me, you know I can be. Remove people and things and thoughts from my life that do not serve me and that do not serve you, God. I don’t know how to remove myself from certain things. I do not know what is good for me or not God. I don’t know when to draw the line, draw it for me. Please.
Remove these thoughts of wanting to remove myself.
Everytime I feel like i’m a few steps forward, something happens that makes me feel like i’ve made no progress at all.
Help me put you first God. So that everything that worries me, comes in second place to you. So that I can truly and honestly surrender it all to you Lord.